Like the gross sandwich I ordered at work made with -what was perhaps 4 day old bread, life lately for me has been stale. When younger (and by younger I mean several months ago), I’d revel in my misery and speak endlessly about my dull and less than gratifying life, but right now–I welcome this state of being (or non-being)–as it probably means I am ready for some change. And for someone who tends to check the “resistant to change” box when taking one of those online self-assessment tests, this is a good thing!
I experienced an excruciating heartbreak last year–details of which aren’t necessary–and I still find myself having off days. Sometimes it feels like I have more off days then on–but that’s periodically. It’s [heartbreak] something everybody has to go through one time or another–but I had hoped that for some reason–that painful experience would just skip right by me. It hasn’t–it smacked me right upside the head and chest like a ton of bricks marked “haha you’re dumped”– but that’s alright. As I have grown — I try to be less dramatic in my thoughts and the things I say–but I can’t help to think–at times– I had the love of my life early, and nothing will compare to those 4 years.
I guess nothing is supossed to compare to your first love anyway.
I’ve stopped believing I need closure–because I’ve had closure all along, but again I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her (shh, it’s not a big deal) or think of her often. A lover (oh how I hate that expression!), a best friend, gone–and possibly/probably forever.
At least I have my memories–as biased as they may be (“What you alter in the remembering has yet a reality, known or not”) and the lessons learned. You never forget, but the trick is not to let it affect what you do or do not do afterwards. Next time–I am sure– will be better.
Danni–I hope all is well -and this is the last blog for you/for [what was] us. Well…for now :)
Inside my fortune cookie today was this: “Don’t give up, the beginning is always the hardest.”
It’s true–and good advice.
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