I think it is natural, that when you are truly in love with somebody, you feel a pain inside. The love, literally hurts and it’s a deep hurt that could be felt throughout. Now, if you are nodding your head because you have been beat by your loved one and are thinking to yourself — “finally someone gets it!”–well, I’m sorry–but I am not talking about that. Please seek help by the way.
It is the kind of pain that comes when you look at that person, and if you are anything like me–can’t help but imagine the worst possible scenarios happening, and those thoughts making you ill. When I was with my last girlfriend–I caught myself many times watching her in her sleep, or just moving around the room and being overwhelmed with a feeling of grief caused by the own warped thoughts invading my mind. I would sit or lay there, throat parched, as I caught a glimpse of what it would feel like to lose her in all sorts of different ways. I don’t mean lose her as in breaking up–that hardly ever crossed my mind. I think when you reach a certain level of love–it stops becoming a relationship and a girlfriend but rather, as cliche as it sounds–becomes a oneness. Two souls intertwined.
I was envisioning real loss, as in death or sickness, or something else. I would drive home at night and nervous that when I got inside to my bedroom to call her she wouldn’t pick up because tragedy struck and she got hit by a car, or got pushed into the tracks while an oncoming subway car was approaching- the conductor, powerless to stop. When she’d answer–I’d feel instantly relieved, and happy. The dumb ear to ear grin probably felt through the wires.
I wondered if she ever watched me as I slept and brought herself to tears by envisioning the face that she was now stroking growing cold, and lifeless–or even worse–heavily made-up in a very unnatural way while inside a casket. I doubt it.
I’d also grow just as sad thinking about something suddenly happening to me. Not because I am melodramatic and egotistical and like picturing the faces of family and friends at my funeral weeping over how empty their lives are now that I am not around. No, but because then she’d be the one left alone–and that upset me. I didn’t like the feeling I got when I thought of her being sad. I’d hope if I perished unexpectedly–she’d know I was with her always and somehow I’d be able to give her signs from wherever I end up -especially at the times she doubted those kinds of things even exist. She’d even get signs from me as she moved on and started dating. I’d make a a light flicker if the person wasn’t worthy or something.
I knew it was love when she’d ask me if I’d still love her without any legs (why do couples always play these kind of ‘what if’ games?”) and I’d answer yes without any hesitation. I’d love her the same if she was just a stump of a woman. No legs or arms…just a torso and head. Like those plastic weighted clowns you’d kick and punch when you were little. I’d be happy to carry her around the world like a little baby and glare at anyone who dared look at her in any way other than adoration–because that would be the only way I’d look at her. My little freak for life.
While, I don’t think many people have thought about these kinds of things as much as I have–or to the same extent–I am sure we all have -for at least a split second thought about what we’d feel if someone we loved suddenly vanished. It hurts–and it horrifies–and it’s supposed to–and that’s how you know you are totally in love and there’s no turning back. No more throwing in the towel because of the huge fight you had the other night. The emotions you feel during a blow-out –can’t ever compare to what you’d feel if that person’s number was up.
It’s funny how I could feel like such a big-hearted person when I think back at how I’d feel this way, but like a cruel judgemental bitch at other times. Like those times I dismiss people as even potential dinner-date possibilities because they have an obsession with musical theater and I just can’t deal with that. Some people are lucky to get the pure, loving sides of us–while most–deal with the moody, fickle, and seemingly impossible to please jerks.
I guess that’s why so many people say love changes them for the better. We are just better people to those we can’t ever imagine losing.
After all, you gotta make everyday worth it, before they go.
The world is a selfish place but ssh… no-one has to know!
Really touching words–you really struck a chord within me just now, honestly. Thanks for your insight into such things as these.
However, it went into a different direction than where I originally thought it would go. I read the first 2 paragraphs and thought you were going through some of the same shit that I put myself through at times (you know, the more usual thoughts of her leaving, finally sitting me down and trying gently break away, all the while ripping my heart from me..you know, break-up stuff). I then went back to my work (to what I should’ve been doing in the first place). Afterwards I came back to your blog to finish and found that you were thinking in terms of morbidity, and it really woke me up to the more rare thought or 2 of mine that I’ve had..same situation of two people soaked in the love that they have for each other, except what if I was responsible for losing her..like if we were in a car accident and she died or something to that effect. When I have that thought I think of just how devastated I would be, if I were to lose the one person that meant everything to me; then I try to imagine what I would do with myself for the rest of my life without her. I don’t know…I’m just rambling now. Sorry for sounding so sappy or freaked out. Please don’t think I’m a weirdo or anything.
Jackal–thanks for your comment and for also sharing. I have thought about that (being the one responsible for the death) as well– more so with a loved one; but with friends as well. I hope neither of us ever has to deal with that kind of situation.