.Borrowed Thoughts.

Not much explanation is necessary… I just love this.

If the hawks in the trees need the dead, if you’re living you don’t stand a chance. For a time though you share the same bed. There are only two ends to this dance.

You can flee with your wounds just in time, or lie there as [she] feeds, watching yourself ripped to shreds and laughing as you bleed.

So for those of you falling in love, keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right. Throw yourself in the midst of danger, but keep one eye open at night…

Rachael Yamagata; Elephants (Original)

Rachael Yamagata – Elephants (this one makes my heart hurt)

Happiness is dinner with friends, stuffing your faces, laughing until tears form, and having a simple quote as
“Let’s all get fat and laugh about it”, be enough to put a smile on your face and take you back.

I don’t know how to really explain what has been happening internally to me the past several months. I alternate between feeling crazy and chaotic inside, to a state of peace, tranquility and calm. The last two nights for instance, I have found myself in silence trying to push away any harmful thought that enters my mind and just sit still — listening only to the sound of my heartbeat. It happens, that I am able to think of nothing and just focus on the repetition of my heart — it is brief, but it happens and immediately afterwards, I cry.

It is not a cry of pain, but that of gratitude. My cries are saying thank you, whoever “you” are, to offering me this moment of calm and peace. I want to hang onto this wonderful state of being, but I know, eventually (probably tomorrow!) I will slip back to reality and grant chaos and pain the ability to shake my foundation up again. It doesn’t frighten me as it would have before…I don’t fear it — I welcome these emotions, for I want to be able to move past them effectively, without causing myself too much harm. There is no reason not to believe that I have the power within, to stop that inner turmoil from overwhelming me. Everyone has this power.

I realize if I continue writing, I may come across as crazy to some (especially certain friends) …and I really don’t know how to formulate into words my own internal dialogues and experiences right now–as I am still trying to figure it all out. I know I am not unique in what I am doing. Painful/difficult events happen in a life — and from them you seek to find the lessons….Or because of that, you start examining yourself more carefully, and from that self-examination, lessons emerge.

Some lessons that have become my truths for instance:

1) Love is within you. Constantly seeking love from external sources without fully accepting the love you have inside will serve up disappointment. This is of no service to you. Feel full, from the love within. Then, when you do feel full, share it with another and it could very well be bliss.

2) You can choose to not suffer. Do not torture yourself by when feeling pain, further fueling that pain with more harmful thinking. If your curiosity, for example, will lead to more pain…stop being so curious.

3) Trust your intuition. Sometimes we seek answers in people or events, but the answers are already inside of us. You know instinctively what you need to know. That inner truth, at times, should be enough for you to be able to move through your days in harmony.  It is enough.

Those are the major lessons, so far, I have been given a glimpse into realizing.
Whenever I feel myself slipping–  I will remember what I am in the process of learning. It is a process, because I know I am not fully there yet. But…I will be.

I should start logging the amount of time I spend dedicated to searching this vast endless net ocean for new music (and by new, I mean new to me). Let’s just say… it’s many hours. If I was more organized and dedicated, I could easily turn this into a semi-music blog, but eh… So for the time being I will sporadically post my newest findings.

One way I go about finding my latest music obsessions is by browsing the song history of Myspace users who like the same music as I. This can lead me to friends of friends….and that is how I found this song.

I won’t even get into how I then begin to make up stories in my head about why their song choices are as such. I create the dynamics of their romantic relationships through the music.  I get sad for them, and want to sometimes write them a quick note saying, “I’ve been there…I understand”…but they might just think I am a creepy stalker with no life so I refrain.

Back to the song:

It’s Porcupine Tree; Half Light and it is equal parts achingly beautiful and sad.

Enjoy…

Porcupine Tree – Half Light