Never…ever…again.
The word itself makes me want to violently throw up. Unless you have ever actually been the ‘other woman’ in a situation – there is little you can do to understand how hard and painful it is. What it does to your sense of self, and your view on love. You are key witness to lies, and deceit within a loving relationship. You, as the mistress, the dirty little secret – will seldom ever be viewed in any kind of positive light whatsoever. You will be judged far more harshly than the husband, the wife, the gf/bf that is doing the cheating. How can any self respecting woman be with someone who is taken after all? Home-wrecker, wh*re, manipulator, b*tch, disgusting pathetic filth, etc. It’s all been said and heard. Unless you are made of steel, it starts to take it’s toll.
Let me tell you what it is like to be in love and waiting… To feel your heart lodged in your throat every single day.
- You know exactly, the moments you can expect a call, and times you know you won’t hear anything. You can’t and won’t complain because this is just the way it is. Instead you start feeling like ANY form of communication during these forbidden times (even a simple “miss you”) means the person is absolutely as crazy about you as you are for them. Even though you have been anxious, crying the past 4 hours, you are OK…for now.
- You question yourself, a potential relationship and sense of morality. Am I a terrible person? Am I desperate? Shouldn’t I demand more from my lover? Or should I take it easy and just be patient and understanding? Why do I feel guilty? Is this real guilt, or guilt because of the judgment society places on someone in my position? Why am I trying to be philosophical right now? Can I ever be the one? If I am the one, will I ever be enough? Will the same thing happen to me? Can I trust? Will I be respected or resented? Will I be forgotten? Should I put an end to this? Will I be able to get decent sleep tonight?
- You cry, miss and long for your lover while he/she is happy (or at least content) in a relationship. When you are not there, someone else is – giving and receiving the love you want to give and receive. You try not to think of the love they make, the kisses they take, the whispers of loving words shared in the middle of the night- but you do, and it makes you feel infinitely worse.
- Because you feel dispensable – you are quiet and passive avoiding confrontation. You know lies are being said, but you remain silent because the last thing you want is to start a fight – and have your lover feel you just aren’t worth the extra trouble. After all, you are not theirs, so they don’t owe you anything. You should be grateful for any attention you do receive. You may even apologize for being so ungrateful, and “needy”.
- While you are lying in the arms of your lover, feeling fulfilled, peaceful, calm and loved – they get a text msg or a call. You now are knocked back into reality as they reach over you to text back, probably something loving. You can’t let this show because you don’t have much time with them – and you don’t want to ruin it by being sad. You’ll allow them to leave the room, or maybe you’ll leave the room, so they can talk. You behave, remaining completely silent of course, like the secret woman you are.
- You try to stay alive during Holidays. You think of them more than ever – wishing they were with you. It is worse than any other time, because since it is the Holidays, they are with family and their loved one, meaning you will hear from them even less than usual. If at all. You smile and try to act OK in front of friends and family, but all you want to do is drink, pass out and wake up when it’s all over.
- As more time goes by, and more promises go unfilled (them leaving, being with you finally, etc) – you feel helpless, empty, discarded, and unimportant. You start to doubt his/her feelings for you. You, at moments feel so angry, but when reached out to again – that anger subsides, because, you are in fact madly in love with this person. They are your weakness, and you are at their mercy. They are everything and priority to you, while you come second.
- If you are wired – status updates become the most evil thing ever created and the cause for panic attacks, crying spells, nausea, and suicidal ideation.
- You just want to stay, you just want them to stay. You pour all your heart and feelings out time and time again yet anything you do that knocks you down from your pedestal is judged very harshly. After all, they can not risk losing something secure, for you, who well, now, may not be that great after all. One wrong move, and you may very well end any chance you have. Your feet are destroyed from all the eggshells you walk on. That thread you’ve been hanging onto is beginning to completely unravel and you are barely holding on.
- You feel heartbreak and agony every single day- especially at night. It is a constant pain you carry with you at all times because you are madly in love, and don’t feel the same love back. You start to breakdown not only emotionally, but physically. The stress, heartache takes a toll on your health and you are completely exhausted. Yet, you can’t…and won’t leave. You just continue to lie there in the deafening silence, and hope one day…they will finally be yours…
Now, I know not EVERYONE in this position has the same experience. Some get a sense of power out of this kind of arrangement – for they like not having to be fully committed (I, obviously, am not one of those people). I am also aware that we decide what -we as humans will put up with. Nobody forces anyone to stay in a situation that is unhealthy. Yes yes yes I know all of that but love makes you do things you never thought you would do. Do I feel the mistress is victimized by the situation? No, not completely. Nobody is perfect or innocent. I sure am not…but I am writing about a very specific topic and point of view. This perspective is usually given the least amount of attention, or respect. I could write an equally long post as to how horrible it is to be the person that is getting cheated on, and even a post on how agonizing leading a double life is. As for feeling compassion? Hardly ever does one feel empathy for the other woman. This side is seldom spoken about in a non judgmental way.
Most other women/other men (it happens) – end up extremely hurt in the end. Things rarely go the way you dream them to go. But, in the unique case that it does, and both of you are able to put the past behind and love completely…then well yes, it was all worth it in the end. You may even communicate better than ever before with one another. If you’re lucky.
No regrets. No resentment. Just requited (finally!) love…
Crazy in love ;) This is the most depressing rendition of a song I never imagined could sound depressing. But I think it fits this posting and topic.
Antony & The Johnsons – Crazy In Love (Beyonce Cover)
Antony & The Johnsons – Crazy In Love
Got me hoping you save me right now
Lookin so crazy your love’s got me lookin
Got me lookin so crazy your love
Hear more covers of the song via musicisart
As for my advice: Avoid this situation at all costs. I know I could never go through it again.
Very straightforward song about being a mistress below.
Ameila Curan – The Mistress
I used to be a liar – and living set me straight.
I don’t come with no disclaimer – I’m like everybody else.
We keep our demons on the burner and our morals on the shelf.
Nobody asks for my opinion – because you don’t want to hear it.
I swear I’m only human wishing I could disappear.
You must think it’s an illusion that I like to live in fear…
Hello, it’s me the mistress, Could you please pick up the phone?
Wow…that’s all I can say. WOW. Excellent post…seriously amazing and sooooo right on.
Thanks Morgan for reading and your comment… Wish I never went through the experience in the first place, but glad to know others can relate…
I had to come back and reread this. I wish I never experienced this either. The trauma to my mind and heart is just too much to bear. I remember laying in his arms and the realization that I was “temporary” struck me–he pacified me when I told him what was on my mind and well, all his words were lies. Words fell off his tongue with absolutely no meaning. I cannot comprehend how a man can feign a relationship (for a year in my case) and shove a woman off the ledge when he’s done with her and not run to catch her. I hit rock bottom. And…I can’t comprehend my own actions. Ugh. So, I can relate compeltely to every point you made.
Are you still in this situation? I hope not…You deserve more – and no matter what, he will never be anything like you thought he would be… You may have been hanging onto the first impression of him you received and blinded yourself from who he truly is.
No, no, no….it’s been over since 2/10/2010 with absolutely no contact whatsoever since. I did wear blinders with him…he was my first love (lost my viginity to him)–so, I knew him from 22 years ago. He certainly had me believing he was a changed man that had grown up. He played me, used me and threw me under the bus in the end. He was a completely typical married man having an affair…cake and eat it too…disreguard my feelings in the end kinda guy when all was said and done. A moment of ecstasy for a lifetime of agongy. My view of him is completely shattered—it turns my stomach. The view I have of myself in the aftermath of it all is distorted and shattered. I’m sure he’s moved along just fine and doesn’t think twice about me or what happened. It’s all sick. Affairs are sick.
The worst for me was just being lied to and that for all those years I was totally wrong about it. I think I was more upset at the fact that he wasn’t the man I thought he was. It felt as if the man I used to love had died because the person he had become was so unfamiliar. That’s the worst feeling. That I knew he could be good and had so much potential but he wasn’t strong enough.
And after months of doubting myself and having my confidence hit rock bottom and comparing myself to the other person, I’ve finally resurfaced.
Your post is somewhat of a relief to know that I wasn’t the only one who had been through this. I love this quote that says:
“No man deserves your tears but once you find one that is, he won’t make you cry”
You know what? The man you thought had died – probably never existed in the first place. People who are chronic liars and cheats – know exactly how to portray an image of themselves that make others fall (and forgive). You were in love with what he wanted you to believe he was – not the real man.
Reminds me of a Neko Case line – “I want the Pharaohs, but there’s only men.” I’m glad you have resurfaced – I hope things continue getting better for you… After you hit rock bottom there’s only one direction to go from there, huh? ;)