“Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel,believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand…”
I’ve been watching your world from afar,
I’ve been trying to be where you are,
And I’ve been secretly falling apart,
unseen…
To me, you’re strange and you’re beautiful,
You’d be so perfect with me but you just can’t see,
You turn every head but you don’t see me.
We all crave to be understood, truly understood. Even better – entering into a relationship with mutual understanding, respect, trust, and empathy. Then, well, you’re golden :)
My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul… – William Shakespeare
Sometimes, it’s best to remain quiet…silent where others would impulsively run their mouth rendering them foolish. Biting your tongue – when it’s easier to say something hurtful or ignorant is, I think, a sign of maturity and growth.
Other times, being silent, whether it be in keeping things inside in order to maintain balance, the peace within a situation/relationship, or to protect guarded feelings, could become extremely harmful to oneself. I have been struggling with this all my life. Not speaking up, burying feelings, thoughts, fears deep inside. I let things eat away and feel pressure, anxiety, frustration, stress. A combination of experiences has led me to deal this way. Worse still are times I try to break free of this pattern only to be met with a negative response -leading me to retreat even further- burying thoughts deeper. I try to avoid conflict at all costs – even if that is at the sacrifice of my own self and sanity. I think I am in the process of growing, and learning, that it’s best to let things out – in pretty much all areas of your life. At times – conflict is necessary in order to resolve issues at hand. With relationships especially – I am leading up to the full realization that if someone truly loves you — it is safe to speak (or it should be), and arguments don’t automatically lead to separation. Love needs to allow both people the feeling of security to enable an open, healthy flow of communication. Otherwise, it could lead to resentment, suspicion, rejection, etc preventing the overall growth of the relationship.
Until I completely reach that level, there is a constant battle within myself as to when to speak up, and when it’s best to keep my mouth shut. I tend to err on the side of caution (well, OK, with some things) I do have to say – it is a refreshing feeling to let go and no longer be afraid to open up. ;) I don’t want to be scared to talk to my lover – that’s… stupid.
I love this song – and even though it’s more of a breakup song – because it has the lines “I can’t speak to you”, I felt it was a good enough excuse to share.
And so I’m reaching out for the one
And so I’ve learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes
To shift my point of view
I’m watching through my own light
As it tints the shade of you
Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody’s lost but nobody wins
I can’t sleep
I can’t speak to you
“Fools,” said I, “you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…
I don’t know how to fix this…especially because I am not sure where exactly it went terribly wrong. I think back, and there were a few times I probably could have taken the initiative, ignored “warnings”, and did what would have ended up being the best…but I didn’t. Instead, I go about my days with this empty anxious feeling. I miss my friend.
If she were to read my blog (which I am not sure if she ever did) – I know her exact reaction to this posting. An eye roll, maybe some words describing how ridiculous I am, thoughts of me being a coward for writing instead of confronting, anger that this is out there, etc. But I felt and to this day still feel stuck. A friend is not a lover — but should you go after them the same way you would when fighting for your love? I don’t know those answers…
What I do know is I never missed a friend like this. It feels like a dull heartbreak – an emptiness. I felt this person would be in my life no matter what forever. At my wedding, and I’d be there at hers. When we start families – I pictured us all together – our children becoming friends. Now all I have is a gift bag on the floor that’s been there since August and I can’t bring myself to put it away.
Maybe it was just bad timing of everything. Pivotal events all happening at once, mixed with a job that has reduced my social life (and social skill) by oh…75% – but whatever it was…it sucks. As we get older, our circle of friends become smaller because you realize who matters, who loves you, and who brings good energy to your life. I never thought, even with how different we can be from one another, that we would drift apart. It’s made me reflect on my character and exam some behaviors. I have a tendency at times to disappear and retreat into my own little world. Sometimes for a couple of days, other times-months. Most people in my life know this about me and are fine with it…but it’s made me think that perhaps a little more effort on my part could go a long way. I love those close to me deeply, but I only show/display an affectionate side typically with a lover. In other words, my feelings inside aren’t always obvious.
I finally feel like other aspects of my life are coming together. I am madly happily in love with an amazing woman and there’s lots to look forward to … it just feels a little depressing not being able to share this with a person you considered family. Miss you very much jerk.
Probably the weirdest remix I’ve ever heard but…I like it even with the strange background noises. This is Patrick Wolf’s remix of Manic Street Preachers – This Joke Sport Severed.
Jealousy sows rejection with a kiss
In silken palms that tear bone from skin
This joke sport severed, I endeavoured
To find a place where I became untethered
A song that’s been in my iTunes forever(3 years) and I’d always skip it when it started for some reason…Now I listen 10 times a day. Love the singer’s voice and the piano.
The duet is French so the improper English makes it even more charming. Their name (written AaRON) stands for: Artificial Animals Riding on Neverland (don’t ask me).
For every street of any scene
Any place you’ve never been
I’ll be your guide
Easy as a kiss we’ll find an answer
Put all your fears back in the shade
Don’t become a ghost without no color
Cause you’re the best paint life ever made
One of my favorite songs…and stumbled across Cat Power’s version for the first time (can’t believe it took me this long to discover)… It’s different, more raw, and angry…sexy.
I have no delusions of grandeur, no dreams of becoming famous or well-known. My insomnia keeps me busy--both a curse and a blessing. I express my thoughts best through written form and music. I am completely obsessed with music and welcome you to share in that obsession with me. Enjoy.
No spam and keep any hate letters to a minimum, my heart could only take so much :) All mp3s on this site are shared with the intent to support artists and spread the word. In other words, it's all out of the pure love and passion for the music. If you own the rights to any of the content within and would like it removed, please feel free to contact me at daniwrites[at]gmail.com. If you don't - and like what you hear - buy the albums, see a few shows, tell your friends. Do the right thing ;)
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