.Jessie Angel.

I don’t know how to fix this…especially because I am not sure where exactly it went terribly wrong. I think back, and there were a few times I probably could have taken the initiative, ignored “warnings”, and did what would have ended up being the best…but I didn’t. Instead, I go about my days with this empty anxious feeling. I miss my friend.

If she were to read my blog (which I am not sure if she ever did) – I know her exact reaction to this posting. An eye roll, maybe some words describing how ridiculous I am, thoughts of me being a coward for writing instead of confronting, anger that this is out there, etc. But I felt and to this day still feel stuck. A friend is not a lover — but should you go after them the same way you would when fighting for your love? I don’t know those answers…

What I do know is I never missed a friend like this. It feels like a dull heartbreak – an emptiness. I felt this person would be in my life no matter what forever. At my wedding, and I’d be there at hers. When we start families – I pictured us all together – our children becoming friends. Now all I have is a gift bag on the floor that’s been there since August and I can’t bring myself to put it away.

Maybe it was just bad timing of everything. Pivotal events all happening at once, mixed with a job that has reduced my social life (and social skill) by oh…75% – but whatever it was…it sucks. As we get older, our circle of friends become smaller because you realize who matters, who loves you, and who brings good energy to your life. I never thought, even with how different we can be from one another, that we would drift apart. It’s made me reflect on my character and exam some behaviors. I have a tendency at times to disappear and retreat into my own little world. Sometimes for a couple of days, other times-months. Most people in my life know this about me and are fine with it…but it’s made me think that perhaps a little more effort on my part could go a long way. I love those close to me deeply, but I only show/display an affectionate side typically with a lover. In other words, my feelings inside aren’t always obvious.

I finally feel like other aspects of my life are coming together. I am madly happily in love with an amazing woman and there’s lots to look forward to … it just feels a little depressing not being able to share this with a person you considered family. Miss you very much jerk.

Amanda Ghost – Blood On the Line

“I don’t know how to make amends

I don’t know how this story ends…

And all the words that you don’t hear

Will rise and deafen in your ears

I don’t understand the signs but

Lord I know I’m not blind

That’s my blood on the line…”