For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: “It might have been.” – J.G. Whittier
Moby – Mistake (mp3)
For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: “It might have been.” – J.G. Whittier
Moby – Mistake (mp3)
Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.”
There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”
Wilco – One Wing(mp3)
I always knew this would be our fate
This is what happens when we separate
This is what happens to all dead weight, eventuallyWe may as well be made of stone
We can’t be formedOne Wing will never fly
Neither yours nor mine
I fear we can only wave goodbye
Aqualung- Breaking My Heart(mp3)
I wanna fight…afraid to fight…Why don’t I fight- and make you see? I hold my breath and disappear inside myself…I’m losing strength – I’m losing all strength. You’re breaking my heart again…
Don’t ask me to start…Don’t ask me to start again…
“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” -Nietzsche
Sometimes, the hardest thing about truly loving somebody is the intuition that comes along with it. You are faced constantly with the decision to ignore the gut feeling or not.
How do you keep sane, for instance, when you know they are showing you the ultimate form of disrespect by lying to your face (or ear for hours via the phone) repeatedly? Even after you plead, and beg for the truth. If someone can’t give you the truth – they won’t be able to give you much of anything else. Remember that.
Don’t allow yourself to live in that darkness with them any longer. Don’t place a higher weight on affection/intimacy while turning your head away from the red flags. Enough…is enough. You are not an idiot – stop letting yourself be treated like one. You are not blind, so open your eyes and wake up.
.
Florence and the Machine – Cosmic Love
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Re-discovered while ipod was on shuffle at the gym…
Florence and the Machine – Blinding

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realize that it was you who held me underFelt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs…No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong worldAnd I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was brokenAnd all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open
No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
Ugh…perfect. Love the drums in this, how it captures so much emotion. Of course, you can interpret a song to mean whatever you want it to depending on your own personal experience. To me – it speaks of regret, anger, the realization of truths that you chose to be blind to, and the end of an idealistic view/innocence. The beginning stages of becoming jaded perhaps… Of course it all boils down to being excruciatingly hurt by somebody and refusing to let that continue…Waking up from the fairy tale facade. Facing reality vs the pretty perfect dreamlike picture you painted for the both of you. Like that alliteration? ;)
01 Love Lost – Temper Trap
Can a relationship with so much past grief, deceit, pain, betrayal, dishonesty, spite, resentment, darkness, negativity ever be saved? I think it depends on the two people who are involved – but more importantly on how issues were dealt with and handled all throughout. Relationships that tend to be on again/off again typically go through a pretty predictive cycle. Starts fresh (“pure”), things happen that hurt one or more people in the relationship – and there is a break. If the break was caused by something major – deception and/or betrayal (cheating) for instance – it is harder to regain that “pure” status again. What usually tends to happen is some time goes by – anger subsides and the two begin to miss/long for one another more intensely. The good/”happy” memories are exaggerated and this unrealistic version of the past becomes romanticized. This is then mistaken for reality (“What you alter in the remembering has yet a reality, known or not” – The Road). This could happen by one person or both. Same time, or at different times. The cycle continues when both decide they need to be together again and forgive one another for all the pain. Enter in the pure bliss phase. The reawakening of love lost.
There is a high – this love feels more real, true, honest, and pure than ever before. The angels are singing, both of you are climbing towards the heavens of your love. What could be better than this? The phase can last anywhere from 2 months to a year. Again – depends on the persons involved and how much pain their relationship suffered. It is a huge deal how people REACT to situations. We can gloss over this for some time –think we “understand” why someone would do the things they did. All in the interest of saving the “love”. It doesn’t last. We miss out on a chance at something solid while we keep going back to something that is broken and destroyed beyond repair. Yes, you can patch it up – and it will hold up, but only temporarily. It is the addiction to the drama (the highs after the lows) that keeps the cycle active. Usually – one personality type is always involved. The person that NEEDS to be with another, yet at the same time – also needs lots of space. This causes tension, confusion, and resentment. (more…)
Never…ever…again.
The word itself makes me want to violently throw up. Unless you have ever actually been the ‘other woman’ in a situation – there is little you can do to understand how hard and painful it is. What it does to your sense of self, and your view on love. You are key witness to lies, and deceit within a loving relationship. You, as the mistress, the dirty little secret – will seldom ever be viewed in any kind of positive light whatsoever. You will be judged far more harshly than the husband, the wife, the gf/bf that is doing the cheating. How can any self respecting woman be with someone who is taken after all? Home-wrecker, wh*re, manipulator, b*tch, disgusting pathetic filth, etc. It’s all been said and heard. Unless you are made of steel, it starts to take it’s toll.
Let me tell you what it is like to be in love and waiting… To feel your heart lodged in your throat every single day.
Goodbye…
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love…
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free…
I would never force hearts that didn’t belong to me to stay …(nor would I want that) but I wish things didn’t end the way they did…I don’t let people in easily and you two got all the way inside to the core of me…Completely exposed and vulnerable…to then be totally abandoned and discarded… I will never deny the feelings I felt and how profound they were… I know people have a tendency to reflect once things end poorly and claim they never were really in love… No, not me, every feeling I had was real and no matter how hurt I am or how angry I was – I’d never deny it.
I’m sorry for pain I caused…At times my anger led me to lash out and I should have never done that… At times, being impulsive is not always the best thing. But, I am also sorry I wasn’t given the honesty I deserved either…I am a person, with flesh, emotions, and a bleeding heart…not just a lesson that needed to be learned or something that had to happen… I have never given so much of myself before, and I hope to never feel heartbreak like this again…
I have been touched and effected in ways that I can’t even begin to formulate into words… I will never be the same again…and I won’t ever forget you… Despite all the pain & anger once felt, you will be missed, thought of, and truly loved…always…
Tegan & Sara – Call It Off (mp3)
Kisses…and now off to have a Dani break!
All along I had the power to release myself…
Excerpt from something I had written August 2008:
I have crawled on my hands and knees through broken glass to prove my devotion and depth of emotion. You have watched carefully each time I have willingly bled and yet continuously beckon me to you. Please allow me to stand up and walk away… for I am dying. You are killing me by suicide. Tricky woman you are. Don’t feel any guilt, and don’t change your selfish ways. Just let me turn my back , and don’t call out for me, ever again…

I look at you and before my eyes it’s true…The girl of my dreams is not quite what she seems…Open your eyes inflatable girl…Lose the disguise…Release me from your spell…”
Like the gross sandwich I ordered at work made with -what was perhaps 4 day old bread, life lately for me has been stale. When younger (and by younger I mean several months ago), I’d revel in my misery and speak endlessly about my dull and less than gratifying life, but right now–I welcome this state of being (or non-being)–as it probably means I am ready for some change. And for someone who tends to check the “resistant to change” box when taking one of those online self-assessment tests, this is a good thing!
I experienced an excruciating heartbreak last year–details of which aren’t necessary–and I still find myself having off days. Sometimes it feels like I have more off days then on–but that’s periodically. It’s [heartbreak] something everybody has to go through one time or another–but I had hoped that for some reason–that painful experience would just skip right by me. It hasn’t–it smacked me right upside the head and chest like a ton of bricks marked “haha you’re dumped”– but that’s alright. As I have grown — I try to be less dramatic in my thoughts and the things I say–but I can’t help to think–at times– I had the love of my life early, and nothing will compare to those 4 years.
I guess nothing is supossed to compare to your first love anyway.
I’ve stopped believing I need closure–because I’ve had closure all along, but again I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her (shh, it’s not a big deal) or think of her often. A lover (oh how I hate that expression!), a best friend, gone–and possibly/probably forever.
At least I have my memories–as biased as they may be (“What you alter in the remembering has yet a reality, known or not”) and the lessons learned. You never forget, but the trick is not to let it affect what you do or do not do afterwards. Next time–I am sure– will be better.
Danni–I hope all is well -and this is the last blog for you/for [what was] us. Well…for now :)

Inside my fortune cookie today was this: “Don’t give up, the beginning is always the hardest.”
It’s true–and good advice.
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