.Borrowed Thoughts.

The tricky thing about a Compulsive Pathological Liar, is that they never will totally admit to fault. They will, somewhat, in their own safe way. In that way that still makes them feel in control and appear to also be victimized. When you have been hurt by a liar, the apology they give you will never be enough because you will never hear them confess to all the lies, and all the betrayal. You will never hear them utter the words you need to hear in order to truly feel at peace, because they are incapable of doing so. Their image means much more to them than the truth. If the truth directly conflicts with the image they want you, and everyone else to see, they will always side with telling you things (and some half truths) that coincide with the image. Always. Their actions are never 100% genuine, because their actions are only done with the intention of doing whatever they need to do in order for them to be happy and believed. They can be very convincing for they have had years and years of practice.

It is heartbreaking to love and be in love with a liar. I am not talking about someone who lies to get out of a sticky situation, or a cheater who lies to cover their indiscretions. I am talking about a person with a serious problem (and I say this with compassion – not judgment). You ignore all the signs, you don’t want to believe this person is making up 50% of their life…You don’t want to think they blatantly lie to your face as they look “sincerely” into your eyes. As each lie is revealed to you (by your own accord/investigation/intuition), you become so hurt and torn inside. Do you confront them? No way… why? So they can lie and disappoint you even more? Or even worse, turn it around on you, manipulating the entire situation. Nothing is worse than wanting to genuinely forgive and forget about a lie you were told – explaining that to the person as compassionately as possible – and STILL being lied to. It is a sinking, deep and painful feeling. After a while when the lies start to become overwhelming, there is no way you can remain tied to this person as you once were. You’ll never believe anything they say. The heart is the most beautiful, gentle part of who you are, to throw it into the wolf’s mouth is a stupid thing. To throw it repeatedly is just insane. I didn’t want to be insane anymore.

It’s hard… to let go completely of someone you genuinely did (and still do) love. It’s hard to have them no longer in your life. I always try to keep everyone I love (or loved) close to me no matter what. You miss them but then you don’t know what you’re actually missing about them because you don’t know what was real. I just should have had the opportunity to know the truth about that person and then it would have been up to me if I still wanted to be there, still wanted to love. I would have stayed put, as long as there was honesty. Even if the honesty came months later. There are millions of reasons why someone lies, just confess, tell me why you did it -and I’ll understand and let it go. I wanted that so badly.

Don’t tell me things I want to hear, and stories that you think will impress me to get me to stay or find you interesting.  I already loved you! Reveal yourself to me, your true self…give me what I give you and let us both love the person we truly are inside – faults, imperfections, mistakes and all. That is what I want from now on. Honest, genuine, pure, calm, good healthy TRUE love. I know it’s coming…one day.

If you deceive repeatedly, you will forever be doubted. You will lose people all around you who once cared deeply. Remain true, and honest, and life will be much more rewarding. This is one of the biggest lessons I learned myself many years ago, and time will tell all the lessons I come away with from this experience…

Cat Power – Metal Heart

Be true because they’ll lock you up in a sad sad zoo…I once was lost, but now I’m found, was  blind…but now I see you…

From Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. “Psychological Honesty”:

Even a pathological liar carries deep in his heart a desire for goodness and honesty and yet, because of painful emotional wounds, believes that the world never has, and never will, recognize his pain. And so, to hide that pain from himself, he uses all the lies he can concoct to hurl at the world as he runs in fear from his own goodness.