Archive for the 'Love' Category

.Love | Marriage | Prop 8 | Religion | Policy.

Published November 8, 2008 Love , News 0 Comments
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So.. Recently we elected a new president and I was pleased with the choice the majority of Americans made. What annoys me though is this whole attack on us gaylordies. Now, those of you who know me — know I am not some huge gay activist and I rarely even like to  go to gay/les establishments BUT I am annoyed that we are still seen as second-class citizens by a lot of people in this country. Well, let me clarify. I really don’t care what people think of me or see me as — but if it spills into my own personal rights as a citizen of this country — then it kind of pisses me off. In my own calm temperamental way.

What place does Religion have in governmental policies? I’ll answer that for you — None. There is separation of church and state for good reason. The Bible or whatever holy book and ideologies you subscribe to can’t and should not dictate law and constitutional rights. I am shocked that California passed Proposition 8. I have had debates with those who agree that Marriage should only be defined as a union between man and woman and one argument I repeatedly hear is that “the people have spoken and this is what they want.” Oh, so because an opinion is shared by a majority– it makes it right? Are you aware that Supreme Courts were established in order to ensure that no laws may be passed by legislature, ballot, or executive order that are UNCONSTITUTIONAL. The Supreme Court in California decided and ruled that Proposition 22 violated the equal protection clause. This angered lots of religious bigots, and they stepped in and made sure that an entire class of people are now excluded from their rights.

The same arguments that were used against interracial marriages are used now against gay marriage. Oh, and if I hear homosexuality compared to pedophilia one more time… I will make out with a baby… Ok no..I won’t but… seriously. Come on.

What is so frightening about two people of the same sex getting married? How will that affect you personally? Does the idea of me and my wife at home arguing over laundry and who’s turn it is to clean the bathroom scare you? Will this make your arguments with your husband or wife less valid or meaningful? You can get married in 2 seconds at a DRIVE THROUGH in Vegas and get that same marriage annulled the next day. The divorce rate is 50%+ — please stop kidding yourselves that marriage is treated largely as this sacred serious union here. It’s not — and hasn’t been for a long time.
People get married here just so someone can gain a green card. But I can’t marry someone I am madly in love with?

I never had wedding fantasies when I was younger. Never had dreams of myself walking down the aisle in a white dress–or any dress for that matter. But once I have known what love is… I have dreamed of proposing … being engaged… and legitimizing the love I have for another. Why is that so threatening to some? I want to have a child, and some states passed a law that makes it impossible for unmarried couples to adopt. If gays can’t legally marry, then well, they also can’t adopt. Man, all these measures to stop love.

America has made strides in that we have elected a bi-racial president. But make no mistake, there is still rampant racism and prejudice.  We, collectively have taken a step forward, but at the same time took two steps back.

.Frozen Pieces.

Published July 21, 2008 Love 0 Comments
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I haven’t written in a while…So much has happened since I last did.

I was in a relationship that ended. The short of it was — it was unhealthy for both of us and my already low self esteem suffered greatly as a consequence. Gained weight and recently lost 50 somewhat pounds.

I now find myself in a position somewhat of unrequited love, although it may not be so much unrequited as just…complicated. Wrong timing? Wrong geographical pinpoints? Who knows… All that I do know is that it hurts. A different kind of hurt than what I experienced with my first heartbreak (which is somewhat documented here). A different kind perhaps because it has really affected many different parts of me. It hurts my soul on a deep level, because I feel I am loving on a deeper more profound, mature level. This is not just about love lost or love not conquered, but it is about the slaughter of innocence. My innocence. I view love with openness, fondness, and am willing to embrace it at all costs. This may be THE experience, to force me to view love in a more realistic, less idealized way. But…I don’t want to. I am fighting that with all I have in me and it is this fight that is leaving me drained and torn…

This love of mine… I can’t help but view her in this Godly light. Is this naive of me? Is this what disillusions me? The mere thought of her presence at times, has moved me to tears. My last relationship, I didn’t have these intense profound feelings and it felt empty, and somewhat depressing. I don’t want that…These feelings I have now, is what I always wanted. I have tasted the love I have always dreamt of … and it was nothing short of amazing. I am devastated that it, for the time being, has been taken away.

It is as if I am shown the most beautiful painting in the world. Hanging this painting up in my room and looking at it, touching it, makes me feel peace like I have never felt before. A rush of calm. Beauty. Love. Hope. Life. Now, the artist violently took away this beautiful picture, but every now and again I am able to catch a glimpse of it whenever she allows me to. So I feel calm for a moment, but it is for that moment only. Once it is taken away again, I am back to a state of sheer panic. Everything is chaotic. And nothing makes sense. I am just trying to get that beautiful picture back…where I feel it belongs. Where it is safe and revered.

But the funny thing about this piece of artwork, is that each time it is shown to me, it comes back more damaged and tattered from being moved around so much. Soon, nothing of the original painting will be recognizable. It will no longer have the same beautiful effects on me, unless I save it. But how can you save something that doesn’t want to be saved?

That analogy may be really terrible… but…it is all I can come up with for now.
I will end here. There is much else going on in my life but I have for a long time, severely censored myself, so that is all for now.

I feel through music…so take a listen:

Frozen Pieces - Milosh

Welcome to The World.

Published March 31, 2007 Confessions , Love , Sex , Thoughts Random 0 Comments

This was taken from a response on “Get Naked” — TimeOut New York’s sex advice column.

“Doesn’t it seem like we should all be long past the ‘my parents can’t handle the fact that I’m gay’ stage of human evolution? Not to belittle anyone’s struggle, but frankly, I find the whole notion that some folks still can’t wrap their heads around same-sex relationships painfully tedious…just because your family has issues with you being gay, that doesn’t mean you can fix things by time-warping yourself back into their dusty old mind-set. The only thing it’s essential for an adult to do is stay true to herself. It’s great to be close to your family, but not if the cost is your own well-being. Clearly, your folks would rather sacrifice your desires in order to keep their world hermetically sealed. Too bad. They don’t really get a choice in the matter. It’s 2007 for God’s sake: enough with the debates over gayness. Enough with the questions about whether they should be allowed to marry, to adopt, to be in the military, etc. Yes, yes, yes already.

The only thing gay people shouldn’t be allowed to do is succumb to their petty family’s emotional blackmailing schemes.”

Amen. While I disagree with the usage of the word “folks” more than once (just a pet peeve)– every other part is pretty much how I have felt for almost 10 years.

While my family is not as open as I’d like and hope, and while I still do not feel comfortable mentioning even vague details of my personal life–I do consider myself lucky in that I have a strong sense of self and through the years- my family has accepted me, not completely, but enough that I know they would never abandon me because of who I am attracted to.

I am so honest and open (sometimes to a fault) with most everyone in my life but I do hold back with those tied to me by blood. It is not because I feel ashamed, but I know THEY are uncomfortable and unfortunately with many traditional families– if their offspring is homosexual–immediate thoughts seem to be focused on the act of sex. Gross ma, get your head out of the gutter :) I haven’t even had any in God knows how long anyway!

I put up with the notion that I will probably always hear my girlfriend be referred to as “your friend”. I really don’t know why saying the name is so difficult. Maybe the name gives that person a more concrete identity and place in my life, and that is just too much to handle in that given moment. I don’t know.

For those that are still struggling with their families — I say to you — don’t worry. Things will eventually get better. Most likely it will NEVER be as picture-perfect as you’d like it to be, but in the LEAST–you and those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, will find that happy medium and be able to coexist peacefully. If THAT doesn’t ever happen, just remember that “family” does not equate blood and you do have people who will love you and all the different parts that make you who you are.

While sexuality does not define who we are– let us not kid ourselves. It is a huge part of our identity. Just like heterosexual women sometimes like to talk about men at random amongst friends/coworkers, etc, homosexual women sometimes like to talk about women at random. Just because it is different (to you; to some) — do not for a second mistake that for being “excessive” or someone “putting it in your face”.

And a word for anybody giving a family member a hard time for living and loving the way it is natural for them to–grow up and Welcome to The fucking World.*

* Excuse my French, I am exhausted physically and metaphorically.

This Blog has No Rhyme or Reason.

Published January 2, 2007 Love , Thoughts Random 1 Comment

The taste of mint coats my mouth and it feels so soothing and refreshing as I keep running my tongue along my lips. The combination of the sweetness mixed with the slight burning sensation inside my throat, oddly relaxes me. I’ve been chain smoking today–something I haven’t done — really ever (not even when intoxicated which is normally the only time I do smoke). I sort of used to (chain smoke that is) — when driving home from my ex’s apartment — frustrated and sad about not being able to just simply lay with her. She was tired from work, or I was too impatient with the circumstance of her starting off on the right foot with her new roommate and living situation. It didn’t matter at the time– I was just not content. If I want to make love to my woman in the room she pays (and sometimes–I paid) rent for–I should have that right. A few weeks; fine. A few months is insanity.

I’d sit in my car — in my driveway– smoking at that time Nat Sherman cloves. One after the other–trying to escape my own insecure thoughts and fears. I’d feel sick and almost always develop a migraine. Fuck clove cigarettes. I’ve now switched over to the Naturals– mint flavored and I love them. I know people smoke when stressed, from the movies, and from being in contact with other humans– and I thought it was all in the mind– but today I found it really does help. I woke up late this afternoon, as I have been most of the days on this much needed vacation from work. My mind was flooded with thought after thought and my heart seemed to be racing at an unhealthy pace. For the first time in my life– I thought to myself, “I need a cigarette”. Five cigs later–I feel relaxed and better. Thanks nicotine!
I am convinced these cigarettes don’t stink as much as your usual brand–and that the mint on the lips make it (and I) that much sexier. When I am out and smoking–I long for someone to grab and kiss me and taste the goodness of the mint and say something like — “Wow, I guess I don’t hate smokers as much as I thought!” or “You smell and taste amaaazing”– and we’d slip away from our respective group of friends and enjoy each other until the next afternoon. So far, that has yet to happen.

It’s said that love is a temporary maddness – and I agree. I guess it can develop into a full fledged sickness or disorder if it stays with you long after that loving object has moved on. Sometimes I think I would much rather trade this in for a more classic psychosis–perhaps schizophrenia even. Then I think, I’d prefer to be mad with love, than mad with anything else. I can’t decide and maybe that in itself is a problem. When you feel you have so much to give yet no one there to take all that generosity– it makes you a little antsy.

Maybe that, mixed with the lack of sex was what caused me to lash out at family dinner last night. All that rage pent up inside and I was just waiting for a reason to attack. Unfortunately it happened in front of my family in the middle of a huge fight with my uncle and my aunt. I sat patiently watching, observing–as I always do– until I saw tears forming on my sister’s face from something he said about her. That was all I needed to go into a blinding rage. I’m a lover-not a fighter–but when there is no loving going on–I guess all that is left is the fight.

I wonder what my next sexual experience will be like. Will I be loving and tender–or an animal!?

Both sounds good. A gentle beast.

A Matter of the Heart.

Published November 21, 2006 Confessions , Love , Thoughts Random 3 Comments

I think it is natural, that when you are truly in love with somebody, you feel a pain inside. The love, literally hurts and it’s a deep hurt that could be felt throughout. Now, if you are nodding your head because you have been beat by your loved one and are thinking to yourself — “finally someone gets it!”–well, I’m sorry–but I am not talking about that. Please seek help by the way.

It is the kind of pain that comes when you look at that person, and if you are anything like me–can’t help but imagine the worst possible scenarios happening, and those thoughts making you ill. When I was with my last girlfriend–I caught myself many times watching her in her sleep, or just moving around the room and being overwhelmed with a feeling of grief caused by the own warped thoughts invading my mind. I would sit or lay there, throat parched, as I caught a glimpse of what it would feel like to lose her in all sorts of different ways. I don’t mean lose her as in breaking up–that hardly ever crossed my mind. I think when you reach a certain level of love–it stops becoming a relationship and a girlfriend but rather, as cliche as it sounds–becomes a oneness. Two souls intertwined.

I was envisioning real loss, as in death or sickness, or something else. I would drive home at night and nervous that when I got inside to my bedroom to call her she wouldn’t pick up because tragedy struck and she got hit by a car, or got pushed into the tracks while an oncoming subway car was approaching- the conductor, powerless to stop. When she’d answer–I’d feel instantly relieved, and happy. The dumb ear to ear grin probably felt through the wires.

I wondered if she ever watched me as I slept and brought herself to tears by envisioning the face that she was now stroking growing cold, and lifeless–or even worse–heavily made-up in a very unnatural way while inside a casket. I doubt it.

I’d also grow just as sad thinking about something suddenly happening to me. Not because I am melodramatic and egotistical and like picturing the faces of family and friends at my funeral weeping over how empty their lives are now that I am not around. No, but because then she’d be the one left alone–and that upset me. I didn’t like the feeling I got when I thought of her being sad. I’d hope if I perished unexpectedly–she’d know I was with her always and somehow I’d be able to give her signs from wherever I end up -especially at the times she doubted those kinds of things even exist. She’d even get signs from me as she moved on and started dating. I’d make a a light flicker if the person wasn’t worthy or something.

I knew it was love when she’d ask me if I’d still love her without any legs (why do couples always play these kind of ‘what if’ games?”) and I’d answer yes without any hesitation. I’d love her the same if she was just a stump of a woman. No legs or arms…just a torso and head. Like those plastic weighted clowns you’d kick and punch when you were little. I’d be happy to carry her around the world like a little baby and glare at anyone who dared look at her in any way other than adoration–because that would be the only way I’d look at her. My little freak for life.

While, I don’t think many people have thought about these kinds of things as much as I have–or to the same extent–I am sure we all have -for at least a split second thought about what we’d feel if someone we loved suddenly vanished. It hurts–and it horrifies–and it’s supposed to–and that’s how you know you are totally in love and there’s no turning back. No more throwing in the towel because of the huge fight you had the other night. The emotions you feel during a blow-out –can’t ever compare to what you’d feel if that person’s number was up.

It’s funny how I could feel like such a big-hearted person when I think back at how I’d feel this way, but like a cruel judgemental bitch at other times. Like those times I dismiss people as even potential dinner-date possibilities because they have an obsession with musical theater and I just can’t deal with that. Some people are lucky to get the pure, loving sides of us–while most–deal with the moody, fickle, and seemingly impossible to please jerks.

I guess that’s why so many people say love changes them for the better. We are just better people to those we can’t ever imagine losing.

After all, you gotta make everyday worth it, before they go.

Daniela Asaro; Borrowed Thinker.

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I have no delusions of grandueur, no dreams of becoming famous or well-known. My insomnia keeps me busy--both a curse and a blessing. I enjoy writing and hope you enjoy reading.

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