.Borrowed Thoughts.

“Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”

One of my most favorite quotations about love and it’s the kind of love I seek to find with another… I can say confidently that I have experienced it once this lifetime – many years ago with my first love… The initial passion, excitement may have died down but was replaced with a deeper passion, and a more honest, true, withstanding love, which is why we are still so close to this day… There is beauty in being with someone, experiencing moments of equal pleasure and pain — and continuing to be by their side. Not out of a sense of obligation – but because the love is genuine, and deep – hearts, souls intertwined with one another.  I find, many times, especially with the fool hardy and less evolved — they can’t reach or maintain this type of love because the addiction to the intense passion that comes from the start of a relationship surpasses feelings of commitment and loyalty.

But then…what happens? Cycles of relationships…Latching onto one person for a time, before moving onto the next once the intensity dies down. That’s sad, for years can go by and you are left alone – looking back at all the bridges that have been burned along the way.

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I listen to a lot of Spanish music…much more often than Italian music (my background/ethnicity is Italian). Today though, I was sent a link to this song by my friend Vanessa, who is Portugese (ha) and thought it was beautiful…Especially after I looked up the lyrics.

Might be a little corny/cheesey to some…but it’s lulling me to sleep right now. Makes me think that as we grow older, it becomes less about the chase, and more about receiving the love you deserve. Time is wasted as you wait around for that [wrong] person to become something he/she can and will never be. Accept love that is full, unconditional, honest and real…Don’t settle for anything less. You’ll know it’s real if  throughout any hardship, that person is still by your side unwavering in their loyalty and admiration for you.

Solo per te
convinco le stelle
a disegnare nel cielo infinito
qualcosa che somiglia a te

solo per te
io cambierò pelle
per non sentir le stagioni passare
senza di te

come la neve non sa
coprire tutta la città

come la notte
non faccio rumore
se cado è per te

My rough translation (Italian was my first language but I sadly lost my touch):

Only for you, I will convince the stars in the infinite sky  to design something that resembles you. Only for you, I will change my skin so I won’t feel the seasons changing without you. Just like the snow, I will cover the whole city. Just like the night, I won’t make a sound, if/when I fall for you…

I’ve been reflecting a lot lately about the choices in life I made, the type of people I seek out and love. It’s been interesting … Beauty (outside) is of course important, but certainly not as crucial as inner beauty: honesty, dedication, loyalty, empathy and compassion. Without those fundamental traits -  beauty – (true beauty) doesn’t fade…because it was never there to begin with. Someone once told me the most beautiful ones (superficially) are the most dangerous. I think the statement is false. It is those who posses the quality of outer beauty but are void of the inner that are the most dangerous, and should be stayed away from. If inner/outer beauty is equal – there’s no danger there. Live and learn my dear friends…

The Black Keys — Next Girl

Oh, a beautiful face
And a wicked way
And I’m paying for her beautiful face
Everyday
All that work
Over so much time
If I think too hard
I might lose my mind

Oh my next girl
Will be nothing like my ex-girl
I made mistakes back then
I’ll never do it again

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: “It might have been.” – J.G. Whittier

Moby – Mistake (mp3)

Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.”

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

Wilco – One Wing(mp3)

I always knew this would be our fate
This is what happens when we separate
This is what happens to all dead weight, eventually

We may as well be made of stone
We can’t be formed

One Wing will never fly
Neither yours nor mine
I fear we can only wave goodbye

Aqualung- Breaking My Heart(mp3)

I wanna fight…afraid to fight…Why don’t I fight- and make you see? I hold my breath and disappear inside myself…I’m losing strength – I’m losing all strength. You’re breaking my heart again…

Don’t ask me to start…Don’t ask me to start again…

“The exhilaration of rising in love is a liberation from ego, its selfishness and its sense of threat. Ego and love are incompatible. Love takes you on a journey into the unknown and uncertainty. The ego craves certainty. The ego’s certainty is an illusion, uncertainty is the basis of life.”

Interpol – Pace Is The Trick

I see you as you take your pride, my lioness
Your defenses seem wise, I cannot press
And attention’s at demise, my lioness
Can’t you hurt it some, I think I hurt it…

Can’t be too prideful and full of ego if you seek to truly love someone. Should become natural, I think – to abandon pride/ego when in love. If you can’t, then maybe you aren’t really in love with the person ;)

When one’s actions towards you are loyal and consistent – it helps to build/maintain trust.

When one’s actions are disloyal and inconsistent – it succeeds in destroying trust. Without trust there is no stable foundation to your relationship, and eventually it will break apart no matter what other elements (passion, understanding, love) exist. Furthermore, when there’s no trust – there are no feelings of security & stability. Essential components in keeping things together.

I guess what I’m trying to say is – be honest, put pride aside, and value – truly value the people you love. Don’t just say you do. DO. If you’re in a relationship – focus on that relationship and connection, and don’t risk losing all of that with ego.

Unrelated but something else I thought about today – Why do people insist on keeping someone close without any intention of being with them? I see this a lot… Giving false hope and being manipulative. Is it because they want that person to always want them? Is it because they are afraid to truly ever let go, or more accurately – have that other person let go of them? Do they want them as a potential back-up plan? What is with all the games people play with one another…? Can’t people just be genuine for more than half a second? Why am I still up with a migraine at 2am?

I like this song:

“I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you” -Nietzsche

Sometimes, the hardest thing about truly loving somebody is the intuition that comes along with it. You are faced constantly with the decision to ignore the gut feeling or not.

How do you keep sane, for instance, when you know they are showing you the ultimate form of disrespect by lying to your face  (or ear for hours via the phone) repeatedly? Even after you plead, and beg for the truth. If someone can’t give you the truth – they won’t be able to give you much of anything else. Remember that.

Don’t allow yourself to live in that darkness with them any longer. Don’t place a higher weight on affection/intimacy while turning your head away from the red flags. Enough…is enough. You are not an idiot – stop letting yourself be treated like one. You are not blind, so open your eyes and wake up.

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Florence and the Machine – Cosmic Love

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it’s left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I’m always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Re-discovered while ipod was on shuffle at the gym…

Florence and the Machine – Blinding

Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state
A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake
No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber
Until I realize that it was you who held me under

Felt it in my fist, in my feet, in the hollows of my eyelids
Shaking through my skull, through my spine and down through my ribs…

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love
No more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong world

And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack
All around the world was waking, I never could go back
Cause all the walls of dreaming, they were torn right open
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken

And all my bones began to shake, my eyes flew open

No more dreaming like a girl so in love, so in love

Ugh…perfect. Love the drums in this, how it captures so much emotion. Of course, you can interpret a song to mean whatever you want it to depending on your own personal experience. To me – it speaks of regret, anger, the realization of truths that you chose to be blind to, and the end of an idealistic view/innocence. The beginning stages of becoming jaded perhaps… Of course it all boils down to being excruciatingly hurt by somebody and refusing to let that continue…Waking up from the fairy tale facade. Facing reality vs the pretty perfect dreamlike picture you painted for the both of you. Like that alliteration? ;)

01 Love Lost – Temper Trap

Can a relationship with so much past grief, deceit, pain, betrayal, dishonesty, spite, resentment, darkness, negativity ever be saved? I think it depends on the two people who are involved – but more importantly on how issues were dealt with and handled all throughout. Relationships that tend to be on again/off again typically go through a pretty predictive cycle.  Starts fresh (“pure”), things happen that hurt one or more people in the relationship – and there is a break. If the break was caused by something major – deception and/or betrayal (cheating) for instance – it is harder to regain that “pure” status again. What usually tends to happen is some time goes by – anger subsides and the two begin to miss/long for one another more intensely.  The good/”happy” memories are exaggerated and this unrealistic version of the past becomes romanticized. This is then mistaken for reality (“What you alter in the remembering has yet a reality, known or not” – The Road).  This could happen by one person or both. Same time, or at different times. The cycle continues when both decide they need to be together again and forgive one another for all the pain. Enter in the pure bliss phase. The reawakening of love lost.

There is a high – this love feels more real, true, honest, and pure than ever before. The angels are singing, both of you are climbing towards the heavens of your love. What could be better than this? The phase can last anywhere from 2 months to a year. Again – depends on the persons involved and how much pain their relationship suffered. It is a huge deal how people REACT to situations. We can gloss over this for some time –think we “understand” why someone would do the things they did. All in the interest of saving the “love”. It doesn’t last. We miss out on a chance at something solid while we keep going back to something that is broken and destroyed beyond repair.  Yes, you can patch it up – and it will hold up, but only temporarily. It is the addiction to the drama (the highs after the lows) that keeps the cycle active. Usually – one personality type is always involved. The person that NEEDS to be with another, yet at the same time – also needs lots of space. This causes tension, confusion, and resentment. (more…)