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.understand.

25 Oct

“Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel,believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand…”

Aqualung – Strange & Beautiful (I’ll Put a Spell on You)



I’ve been watching your world from afar,
I’ve been trying to be where you are,
And I’ve been secretly falling apart,
unseen…
To me, you’re strange and you’re beautiful,
You’d be so perfect with me but you just can’t see,
You turn every head but you don’t see me.

We all crave to be understood, truly understood. Even better – entering into a relationship with mutual understanding, respect, trust, and empathy. Then, well, you’re golden :)

.mouth shut.

23 Oct

mouthshut2

My grief lies all within, and these external manners of lament are merely shadows to the unseen grief that swells with silence in the tortured soul… – William Shakespeare

Sometimes, it’s best to remain quiet…silent where others would impulsively run their mouth rendering them foolish. Biting your tongue – when it’s easier to say something hurtful or ignorant is, I think, a sign of maturity and growth.

Other times, being silent, whether it be in keeping things inside in order to maintain balance, the peace within a situation/relationship, or to protect guarded feelings, could become extremely harmful to oneself. I have been struggling with this all my life. Not speaking up, burying feelings, thoughts, fears deep inside. I let things eat away and feel pressure, anxiety, frustration, stress. A combination of experiences has led me to deal this way. Worse still are times I try to break free of this pattern only to be met with a negative response -leading me to retreat even further- burying thoughts deeper. I try to avoid conflict at all costs – even if that is at the sacrifice of my own self and sanity. I think I am in the process of growing, and learning, that it’s best to let things out – in pretty much all areas of your life. At times – conflict is necessary in order to resolve issues at hand.  With relationships especially – I am leading up to the full realization that if someone truly loves you — it is safe to speak (or it should be), and arguments don’t automatically lead to separation.  Love needs to allow both people the feeling of security to enable an open, healthy flow of communication. Otherwise, it could lead to resentment, suspicion, rejection, etc preventing the overall growth of the relationship.

Until I completely reach that level, there is a constant battle within myself as to when to speak up, and when it’s best to keep my mouth shut. I tend to err on the side of caution (well, OK, with some things) I do have to say – it is a refreshing feeling to let go and no longer be afraid to open up. ;) I don’t want to be scared to talk to my lover – that’s… stupid.

I love this song – and even though it’s more of a breakup song – because it has the lines “I can’t speak to you”, I felt it was a good enough excuse to share.

Azure Ray – Sleep

And so I’m reaching out for the one
And so I’ve learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes
To shift my point of view
I’m watching through my own light
As it tints the shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody’s lost but nobody wins
I can’t sleep
I can’t speak to you

Sound Of Silence

“Fools,” said I, “you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed
In the wells of silence…

.mistress.

28 Jul

Never…ever…again.

The word itself makes me want to violently throw up. Unless you have ever actually been the ‘other woman’ in a situation – there is little you can do to understand how hard and painful it is. What it does to your sense of self, and your view on love. You are key witness to lies, and deceit within a loving relationship. You, as the mistress, the dirty little secret – will seldom ever be viewed in any kind of positive light whatsoever. You will be judged far more harshly than the husband, the wife, the gf/bf that is doing the cheating. How can any self respecting woman be with someone who is taken after all? Home-wrecker, wh*re, manipulator, b*tch, disgusting pathetic filth, etc. It’s all been said and heard. Unless you are made of steel, it starts to take it’s toll.

Let me tell you what it is like to be in love and waiting… To feel your heart lodged in your throat every single day.

(more…)

Random Happy Moment.

19 Aug

Happiness is dinner with friends, stuffing your faces, laughing until tears form, and having a simple quote as
“Let’s all get fat and laugh about it”, be enough to put a smile on your face and take you back.

Lessons.Truths.Discovery.

19 Aug

I don’t know how to really explain what has been happening internally to me the past several months. I alternate between feeling crazy and chaotic inside, to a state of peace, tranquility and calm. The last two nights for instance, I have found myself in silence trying to push away any harmful thought that enters my mind and just sit still — listening only to the sound of my heartbeat. It happens, that I am able to think of nothing and just focus on the repetition of my heart — it is brief, but it happens and immediately afterwards, I cry.

It is not a cry of pain, but that of gratitude. My cries are saying thank you, whoever “you” are, to offering me this moment of calm and peace. I want to hang onto this wonderful state of being, but I know, eventually (probably tomorrow!) I will slip back to reality and grant chaos and pain the ability to shake my foundation up again. It doesn’t frighten me as it would have before…I don’t fear it — I welcome these emotions, for I want to be able to move past them effectively, without causing myself too much harm. There is no reason not to believe that I have the power within, to stop that inner turmoil from overwhelming me. Everyone has this power.

I realize if I continue writing, I may come across as crazy to some (especially certain friends) …and I really don’t know how to formulate into words my own internal dialogues and experiences right now–as I am still trying to figure it all out. I know I am not unique in what I am doing. Painful/difficult events happen in a life — and from them you seek to find the lessons….Or because of that, you start examining yourself more carefully, and from that self-examination, lessons emerge.

Some lessons that have become my truths for instance:

1) Love is within you. Constantly seeking love from external sources without fully accepting the love you have inside will serve up disappointment. This is of no service to you. Feel full, from the love within. Then, when you do feel full, share it with another and it could very well be bliss.

2) You can choose to not suffer. Do not torture yourself by when feeling pain, further fueling that pain with more harmful thinking. If your curiosity, for example, will lead to more pain…stop being so curious.

3) Trust your intuition. Sometimes we seek answers in people or events, but the answers are already inside of us. You know instinctively what you need to know. That inner truth, at times, should be enough for you to be able to move through your days in harmony.  It is enough.

Those are the major lessons, so far, I have been given a glimpse into realizing.
Whenever I feel myself slipping–  I will remember what I am in the process of learning. It is a process, because I know I am not fully there yet. But…I will be.

This is absolutely horrifying.

12 Jan

Watch. Educate. Inspire. Change.

Now the video might be a little exaggerated on some accounts but the information about the North American Union is valid (and scary). For more information visit: http://www.zeitgeistmovie.com/

In addition, the film contains some really interesting information and theory regarding the link between Astrology/Early Civilization and religion (mainly Christianity); as well as a thorough examination of the events of 911.

I remember when I was a freshman at Fordham and Bush was elected I turned to my roommate and told her we are in for war on a massive scale. It was easy to predict Iraq but never did I think so many Americans would sit back idly while the government manipulates and distorts information. People are feeding into the bullshit (there’s no other word for it) and our civil liberties are slowly dissolving — and many are actually glad to let them go! For what? The sake of “national security”?

WAKE UP.

Let me ask you something about passion.

27 Sep

Does passion need to be boastful and loud?

Can you be passionate yet maintain a level of calm, cool and modesty? Do your passions need to be shouted from the rooftop whenever you feel them? Must you express your passion(s) the same way to every single person you encounter?

“Hey attention everyone!! I just want to say I love that movie Finding Nemo with every inch of my soul!!! Oh Yeah AND I’m going to BE somebody someday. A famous animator. Just you wait and see!”

Can passion be a soft roar instead of a loud dramatic shout? I definitely think so. Passion is something you feel within. How you choose to express that passion, or even IF you feel like expressing it in the first place, is up to you.

How about you? What do you think?

Webster’s Definition:
4 a (1) : EMOTION <his ruling passion is greed> (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger
5 a : ardent affection : LOVE b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire d : an object of desire or deep interest

Quick Rant.

27 Sep

Why do certain people find it necessary to type words with numbers in the place of letters?

Do they not realize they make themselves look like morons?

Do they not realize it is not cute. Or funny. Or Clever. Or New?

The English (American-English) language is turning to crap and these people are just blatantly advertising their stupidity and involvement with that destruction. Make a migraine form in my head because you are giving me something to really think about, not because I am too busy straining to understand what all your little stupid symbols and numbers mean.

I’m all for free expression, being unique, and standing out — but let’s set some limits here.

So, seriously, and ESPECIALLY if you are over the age of…let’s say..14 (and that is being generous) cut the crap and…

5top typing lik3 thi5.

Numb.

25 May

Do I really have to make note of the fact that I haven’t written in a while? I guess I just did–there’s the note.

I don’t know what it is– but I think after you experienced heart wrenching pain once in your life, any other hurt that comes your way can’t really ever compare. Sometimes I will think to myself–”I really should be crying now” but nothing comes.  Instead I just feel blank, numb, but not numb enough not to feel something.

I’m sitting in my office–one of the only dicks still “working” on this entire floor and I feel slightly insane. I alternate from feeling nothing to angry to depressed to happy.

I want someone to take hold and grab me just to shout their life in my face and have it be so filled with emotion and feeling and pain that it instantaneously causes my own to come pouring out of me. I need a release.

I need to not feel so kind of-sort -of numb.

Welcome to The World.

31 Mar

This was taken from a response on “Get Naked” — TimeOut New York’s sex advice column.

“Doesn’t it seem like we should all be long past the ‘my parents can’t handle the fact that I’m gay’ stage of human evolution? Not to belittle anyone’s struggle, but frankly, I find the whole notion that some folks still can’t wrap their heads around same-sex relationships painfully tedious…just because your family has issues with you being gay, that doesn’t mean you can fix things by time-warping yourself back into their dusty old mind-set. The only thing it’s essential for an adult to do is stay true to herself. It’s great to be close to your family, but not if the cost is your own well-being. Clearly, your folks would rather sacrifice your desires in order to keep their world hermetically sealed. Too bad. They don’t really get a choice in the matter. It’s 2007 for God’s sake: enough with the debates over gayness. Enough with the questions about whether they should be allowed to marry, to adopt, to be in the military, etc. Yes, yes, yes already.

The only thing gay people shouldn’t be allowed to do is succumb to their petty family’s emotional blackmailing schemes.”

Amen. While I disagree with the usage of the word “folks” more than once (just a pet peeve)– every other part is pretty much how I have felt for almost 10 years.

While my family is not as open as I’d like and hope, and while I still do not feel comfortable mentioning even vague details of my personal life–I do consider myself lucky in that I have a strong sense of self and through the years- my family has accepted me, not completely, but enough that I know they would never abandon me because of who I am attracted to.

I am so honest and open (sometimes to a fault) with most everyone in my life but I do hold back with those tied to me by blood. It is not because I feel ashamed, but I know THEY are uncomfortable and unfortunately with many traditional families– if their offspring is homosexual–immediate thoughts seem to be focused on the act of sex. Gross ma, get your head out of the gutter :) I haven’t even had any in God knows how long anyway!

I put up with the notion that I will probably always hear my girlfriend be referred to as “your friend”. I really don’t know why saying the name is so difficult. Maybe the name gives that person a more concrete identity and place in my life, and that is just too much to handle in that given moment. I don’t know.

For those that are still struggling with their families — I say to you — don’t worry. Things will eventually get better. Most likely it will NEVER be as picture-perfect as you’d like it to be, but in the LEAST–you and those who are supposed to love you unconditionally, will find that happy medium and be able to coexist peacefully. If THAT doesn’t ever happen, just remember that “family” does not equate blood and you do have people who will love you and all the different parts that make you who you are.

While sexuality does not define who we are– let us not kid ourselves. It is a huge part of our identity. Just like heterosexual women sometimes like to talk about men at random amongst friends/coworkers, etc, homosexual women sometimes like to talk about women at random. Just because it is different (to you; to some) — do not for a second mistake that for being “excessive” or someone “putting it in your face”.

And a word for anybody giving a family member a hard time for living and loving the way it is natural for them to–grow up and Welcome to The fucking World.*

* Excuse my French, I am exhausted physically and metaphorically.

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