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Aware.

4 Mar

Self awareness can be a terrible thing. I have become much more self-aware about this blog in the past two months or so and it’s kind of killing me. Mainly this feeling comes from various people that I wouldn’t expect to be reading this (clients/prospective clients, etc) randomly bringing it up in conversation. Some to talk about specific entries and I tend to get a little embarrassed.

I think, because of that–I have been censoring myself and pretty much stop myself from writing as I would have I not felt this way. I am sure I will get over it -but for now, it kind of stinks.

I read a really great article in New York magazine a little while back about online privacy; and how this generation is way more open about their lives publicly (on the Internet especially) than generations prior.

It was the only issue my father took into his workspace area and read. Probably because he can’t understand how I can put myself out there for the world to see like I do. He of course never mentioned seeing this blog or any other place I am in cyberland–and I am sure he never will.

All I have to say about that is — I am a very open person anyway, probably because of how hard it is within this family to communicate since everyone is so closed. I have always hated it and I find that if you are honest with and about yourself to others– you realize very quickly who would be the kinds of people you’d like to keep around.  I know this doesn’t work well for or even make sense to everybody–but it is what works for me.  There is a sense of control and power I feel as well, because while I may disclose lots of personal information, it is of course in a calculating way. I don’t talk about everything and there’s enough I keep to myself.
I apply the same logic about openness and brutal honesty in the business setting also. I don’t lie or sugar coat things because that is not who I am. Hopefully most people respect me for it.

I guess that is all I have to say about this issue right now–but it is something I’d like to revisit.

Friday night my father’s car was broken into while sitting at a parking lot; driver-side window was smashed and all that just so they could take my mp3 player. Punks. Now I gotta go through the tedious proccess of uploading all my songs and playlists again. I want to find whoever did it–so that their punishment could be that they have to do that task for me, and also be forced to listen to the music on there. I am pretty sure there are enough songs I like, that they would absolutely hate.

My weekend has been such a weird mix of fun and extreme stress. If it wasn’t for that damn awareness factor–I’d tell ya more about it ;)

Types.

22 Feb

We all got em’. Some people ONLY like and go for a certain type/look when it comes to their potential mate.  I think that is a bit silly–as long as there is an attraction–you should go for it, even if she isn’t the half Middle Eastern half Mediterranean Goddess you usually go for.

Much to my mother’s [and family's in general] chagrin I happen to prefer women–and my ideal type is a girl with “flavah”. Tallish, big curly hair, big personality, usually mixed, Latina, or black.  I don’t know what it is. Some friends find it odd–but hey that’s what I like. It is, what I think- the complete opposite of me and makes things interesting. Who wants to look at a mirror image all day long? Bor-ring!
So many relationships–especially gay ones have a slight narcissistic quality to them. People dating others that can pass as their sisters/brothers. I’ve been guilty of it too but I have to say– the opposite does it for me. I just don’t know how many pop-locking supa fine ladies would find an Italian [-American] sarcastic dorky nerdy girl like myself to be their ideal type.

::raises eyebrows:: Any takers!?

So what’s your ideal type (not talking about personality for now–which is-by far- more important than looks when it comes partner choice anyway)?

Share with me. If you’d like.

Cupid, Draw Back Your Bow.

14 Feb

So, it’s been a while since I’ve had a Valentine. The last was my wonderful ex gf (no sarcasm here) two years ago — and she had just moved so we celebrated at Ikea, furniture shopping.

I am kind of glad it snowed/sleeted/iced today because it made it feel less like Valentine’s Day. But even if it did feel like it (what does that mean anyway?)–it wouldn’t have mattered. I don’t need to be any more (or less) sad on this day than any other. I also don’t find it necessary to be extremely Anti-Vday either. Anti-sentiments are also being marketed, packaged and sold as well.

Instead–in the spirit of the occasion (or lack thereof)–I’ll list 14 things I love.

  1. Sleep
  2. My Cat, Loon
  3. Danni
  4. Adult Swim Cartoons
  5. Love, the feeling
  6. Love, the place
  7. Weeknights with friends
  8. Music
  9. Spooning
  10. Kissing
  11. Sexin’
  12. Porn (I am sensing a theme here)
  13. Writing
  14. Learning

So, hope everyone had a wonderful time with their Valentines. And if you don’t/didn’t have one — relax, it is almost over.

Let it Snow.

31 Jan

It’s snowing !!! Even thought this is not the first time snow fell in NYC this winter–it feels like it to me, because well–I was actually up, and actually out when it started. So pretty–isn’t it? Makes you want to make love to a stranger or something. I tried catching some on my tongue and hand–but that didn’t work out too well.

Too bad by tomorrow it will either look disgustingly filthy–or just melted and slushy. Ah well… It was something that got me out of my severe writer’s block and finally post something–I was starting to get worried. I still am worried because this isn’t even a real entry.

If I didn’t convince myself that I’d go to work extra early tomorrow–I would have went and played some –maybe bring out the sled I never got to use….but I am being responsible. Sucks.

The video is from the snowfall in 2004–but close enough.

This Blog has No Rhyme or Reason.

2 Jan

The taste of mint coats my mouth and it feels so soothing and refreshing as I keep running my tongue along my lips. The combination of the sweetness mixed with the slight burning sensation inside my throat, oddly relaxes me. I’ve been chain smoking today–something I haven’t done — really ever (not even when intoxicated which is normally the only time I do smoke). I sort of used to (chain smoke that is) — when driving home from my ex’s apartment — frustrated and sad about not being able to just simply lay with her. She was tired from work, or I was too impatient with the circumstance of her starting off on the right foot with her new roommate and living situation. It didn’t matter at the time– I was just not content. If I want to make love to my woman in the room she pays (and sometimes–I paid) rent for–I should have that right. A few weeks; fine. A few months is insanity.

I’d sit in my car — in my driveway– smoking at that time Nat Sherman cloves. One after the other–trying to escape my own insecure thoughts and fears. I’d feel sick and almost always develop a migraine. Fuck clove cigarettes. I’ve now switched over to the Naturals– mint flavored and I love them. I know people smoke when stressed, from the movies, and from being in contact with other humans– and I thought it was all in the mind– but today I found it really does help. I woke up late this afternoon, as I have been most of the days on this much needed vacation from work. My mind was flooded with thought after thought and my heart seemed to be racing at an unhealthy pace. For the first time in my life– I thought to myself, “I need a cigarette”. Five cigs later–I feel relaxed and better. Thanks nicotine!
I am convinced these cigarettes don’t stink as much as your usual brand–and that the mint on the lips make it (and I) that much sexier. When I am out and smoking–I long for someone to grab and kiss me and taste the goodness of the mint and say something like — “Wow, I guess I don’t hate smokers as much as I thought!” or “You smell and taste amaaazing”– and we’d slip away from our respective group of friends and enjoy each other until the next afternoon. So far, that has yet to happen.

It’s said that love is a temporary maddness – and I agree. I guess it can develop into a full fledged sickness or disorder if it stays with you long after that loving object has moved on. Sometimes I think I would much rather trade this in for a more classic psychosis–perhaps schizophrenia even. Then I think, I’d prefer to be mad with love, than mad with anything else. I can’t decide and maybe that in itself is a problem. When you feel you have so much to give yet no one there to take all that generosity– it makes you a little antsy.

Maybe that, mixed with the lack of sex was what caused me to lash out at family dinner last night. All that rage pent up inside and I was just waiting for a reason to attack. Unfortunately it happened in front of my family in the middle of a huge fight with my uncle and my aunt. I sat patiently watching, observing–as I always do– until I saw tears forming on my sister’s face from something he said about her. That was all I needed to go into a blinding rage. I’m a lover-not a fighter–but when there is no loving going on–I guess all that is left is the fight.

I wonder what my next sexual experience will be like. Will I be loving and tender–or an animal!?

Both sounds good. A gentle beast.

Happy New Year!

31 Dec

In 2007 I hope:

  • To have more confidence in myself and others
  • Accept things I have no control over; and be OK with that
  • Strive to do bigger and better things; taking action instead of just thinking about it
  • Allow myself a random hook-up or two ;)
  • Dance and Laugh more
  • Be content in the now

It seems silly how so many of us think we can start over at the beginning of each New Year–we should constantly be evolving, but I guess it is a good thing to have some goals in mind.

Have a great 2007 everybody.

Saddest Video. Ever.

31 Dec

I love Sigur Ros. I always say–if there was a Heaven– it would probably sound like this (at least some of the time).

What a day.

8 Dec

So today was interesting. I woke up late as usual, and in my rushed state to get ready I noticed my left eye was bothering me (contacts)–but figured it would go away by the time I was settled into the office.

That never happened…I was in pain the whole day…my eye tearing and looking more bloodshot than usual. I’d be on the phone with clients while at the same time staring at my eye in my compact mirror trying to figure out what the hell was stuck on the lens that could be causing so much pain. Finally–contact falls out my eye(it was one of my lashes by the way) and Marlene suggests I stick it in my mouth so it doesn’t dry out…yuck. By the time I put it back in my eye–it feels dry and I am looking at the world half clearly and half blurry. I wink for a good 5 minutes before my saviour (Marla) offers me some solution she found in her bag.

Internet goes down and stays down for 4 hours…Which means–work pretty much comes to a screetching halt. I get home releaved to finally change my contact–takes me a good 10 minutes because my eye is way too teary but finally-success….the feeling of a fresh clean contact is next to Godly.

Time to go to the bathroom. So let me tell you–going to the bathroom and having your nose bleed profously while, you know, doing your business is so not sexy or cool. I decided it would be best to get under my covers and take a 2 hour nap before anything else happens to me.

So far, so good.

Shampoo.

28 Nov

Doesn’t shampoo smell absolutely divine? Well, unless it’s heavy duty dandruff shampoo. That smells like pure crap.

Don’t judge me OK? I don’t have dandruff…but when I was younger I had this other condition  (a mild case) and had to use it a few times so that’s why I know it smells like garbage. Maybe they improved it as this was 15 or so years ago.

Do they make bar soap that smells like shampoo? I’d love it in the Pantene Pro-V or Frizz-Ease scent. Every time I shower I have a method–one step involves lathering myself with shampoo just because it smells amazing. I wonder if this is bad for the skin.

As much as I love shampoo scent–I actually prefer it when I can smell the natural scent of a woman’s scalp.

I am feeling hyper and restless tonight. Stayed home sick from work–and now that I am better I am afraid I might continue to ramble and embarrass myself.

So that’ll be all for now.

Happy.Ticked.

26 Nov

Some things are cool and they make me happy. Little things–like waking up in a panic at 8:30am and then realizing it’s Saturday and I don’t have to be at work. That feeling is beyond great. I go back to sleep with a smile on my face–really, I do.

Listening to a song that I never heard before and knowing right away I love it (Thursday) and it will be playing on heavy rotation  soon. That’s a pretty cool feeling–because honestly, sometimes I worry and think to myself–”What if I never hear any new music that I like again for the rest of my life?”. So when I come across a tune that I am really feeling–I am reminded that it’s somewhat impossible to never discover new favs. Yeah, so that makes me happy.

Drinks with friends mixed with the laughter that hurts –well that tickles my heart.

Riding the subway early in the morning, getting pushed by rude short Asian women and almost getting killed trying to find a place to sit, and then having to end up standing in front of someone eating steamed dumplings at 9am DOES NOT make me happy. That’s so….the antithesis of happiness.  I hate that person. I hate those steamed dumplings. I hate the 7 train.

The memory of the MTA strike makes me happy, because that is when I forced myself to take the LIRR instead to get to work. That was, I hope, the beginning of the end of my steamed dumpling stench in the morning life.

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