.Borrowed Thoughts.

They say, you attract what you are. So I guess if I believe that – then what happened on  my way to/from work today would make perfect sense but I just found it strange and upsetting. I’ve been devastatingly sad though if you were to see me from the hours of around 9 – 7ish you would probably never know it. It’s that time afterward, alone in the office, or on my commute home that it all hits me. The silence causes a rush of thoughts and emotions in. So I blast music – but then a song will come on – and I’ll feel worse. Anyway…onto what happened.

I was sitting on a pretty empty 2 express train heading to Penn Station this evening, when across from me I notice this girl – probably my age or a couple of years younger. Her face was very pretty. She looked mixed – possibly of Hispanic/Middle Eastern descent and kind of reminded me of my friend Kathy in a way. Although, when I thought that  – I knew nobody else would agree. Sometimes, there is something about a person only you can see. She was a thick girl – and one of the first things I took notice of was how large her legs were. From her thighs, to her knees, down to her calves and ankles. I looked at my leg which was crossed – at my knee, and was comparing and remember thinking her knees looked like they had no kneecap/bones.  I compared her arms to mine, her mid-section. Then I stopped immediately because I felt like a judgmental @sshole idiot girl, though I wasn’t really judging her at all. Just observing. I think most of the time we aren’t really aware of what we are doing when we are sitting idly looking around at those near us. The thoughts that drift in and out of our minds. Tonight, I was painfully aware of every single thought I was having of this person across from me.

After I made the conscious effort to stop comparing – I took notice of her outfit more. Jeans, very bright Nike sneakers, a hoodie with a t-shirt underneath. She reminded me of lesbians I see at places like Henriettas or Nikki’s Remix. (Only New York lesbians who have been there will understand that). Her hair was tied back and she had on very thick eyeliner on her top lid. I think that is what reminded me of my friend. Maybe the mouth too. I took notice of what an attractive face she had, and in the next moment, noticed how sad she seemed. She too, was listening to her ipod, and she too was fighting back the urge to cry, as I was the entire time I was observing her.

Chambers Street. I look up – she sighs heavily and is looking down. 14th street. She has a blank yet sad steady stare straight ahead, biting her lip. As the train approaches 34th st (my stop) – tears swell up in my eyes and I happen to look over to her as she is wiping the tears from her own face, bottom lip slightly quivering. Seeing this causes such a pain in my chest – like I was punched. We catch each other’s glance for a brief moment as the train comes to a stop and I am getting up from my seat. I wanted to mouth something like “it’ll be ok” but then thought how weird that may look to a stranger. Like…”Uhh why is that cry baby girl who has been staring at me for 10 min trying to console me?” I exited the train and regretted not showing even a small sign of the compassion I felt inside to her. Even though I have absolutely no idea who this person is, and will probably never see her again…I believe we are all connected in some way. Me and her happened to be connected in pain.

THEN… As I am rushing to catch my train – I notice right next to me, a white woman in her mid-40s speaking to a friend. I had music on so I couldn’t hear much but she was crying and said “I am just absolutely devastated”… choking on her words as she was walking away. That isn’t all…because earlier this morning – an asian girl sitting across from me on the LIRR was crying too. She had sunglasses on but I noticed tears streaming down her face and she licked those that fell onto her lips…On the 2(or 3) heading downtown – a large woman tried to squeeze in across from me between two thin men. The one to the right of her was obviously annoyed, and she said “sorry”. He shrugged his shoulders and a few minutes after that – SHE was tearing. Either I am just noticing sadness amongst my surroundings more, or something is going on with the stars/planets this week, or I am just attracting what I am. And as I said…I’m sad. Usually, I notice really awesome happy hilarious amazingly good looking people – so this is strange to me ;)

If you happen to be upset, and if I happen to be near you – just know inside, I am wishing you well, and hoping whatever pain you’re feeling is only temporary. Know that you aren’t alone. If you happen to only be crying because of allergies, and you see me mouthing the words “it’ll be ok”  – please forgive my awkwardness and just know I am going through a tough time.

k…bye.

Wilco – How to Fight Loneliness(mp3)